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Breaking news: Star goalie set to return as season resumes

Feisty goalie back between the pipes and ready to spark the offence.

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Little girl wants to see a goalie fight for her birthday

Lightning goalie proceeded to take 28 consecutive punches to the face in drubbing.

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Vancouver became the trap game after rifling off countless consecutive losses

“Anonymous sources say a closed-door meeting involved threats to ‘trade everyone’ to Alotta Coleslaw.”

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Unnamed RD for Vancouver seeks sports psychologist following concussion against Detroit

“His bell got rung, so now he’s ringing up a shrink to help him put the past behind him.”

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We Back!

The Canucks expect to open the season with a lengthy losing streak.

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Are the Canucks set to return? Analyst says no, “Leafs are Canada’s team now”

“Travis Dermott is especially upset. “I moved my life to join Canada’s team, and now it’s back in the The Six? BS!”

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McDavid says it’s a goal, Holtby says he’s on crack

The NHL war room verified the puck never crossed the line, Canucks score seconds later to win it.

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Future Star LD Hits First Rough Spot of the Season

Unnamed teammate refers to lack of goals amidst steady assist production as “handy-j without finish.”

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Bruising LW looks forward to continuing his scoring touch

Apparently a new set of sticks has led to the sudden increase in putting pucks in the back of the net.

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LD known as Big Beef loses 28 lbs in short-handed exhibition match

There are rumors Hughes has told the Canucks to acquire him or else.

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Vancouver LD commits several assaults in attempt to get a penalty

He got a lot of head pats from his larger teammates for trying really hard.

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Canucks RW caught watching Stars’ game on phone during play

Sources say he scores too much to suspend him. Inmates running the asylum and all that.

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Doctor clears RD for return in tonight’s game

His bell got rung, so now he’s ringing up a shrink to help him put the past behind him.

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Will the Canucks suffer from a long layoff in their return to action tonight?

We heard stories of beer, wings, pizza, no workouts, and partying way too hard.

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